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There Are Some Crazy Shit Happened On Big Old Tree In Public Park

After observing and remaining silent for over 200 years, a big old Elm tree from Highbridge Park in New York City has finally opened up and begun to tell the crazy stories from its illustrious, stagnant history.

“Yeah I’ve seen some crazy shit for sure,” said the tree, which locals have nicknamed “The Big-Ass Tree Over There” since 1862. “James K. Polk used to get drunk, sit under me, and yell at Irish people all night. That dude was a dick but he made some good points.”

“They WERE annoying back then.”

The tree, excited to divulge on all of its stories, made history itself by being the first tree to ink a book deal in which it’d chronicle some of its favorite memories from treehood. It will also be donating its body for the book’s paper.

“One time, I saw this teen girl playing with a baby doll and making it dance with a teddy bear. Then the closer I looked, I realized she was playing with an actual sleeping baby and a really fat cat, and the girl was actually a young boy. And that’s where I was when JFK got assassinated.”

New York City has plans to cut down the tree to install a Wi-Fi internet hotspot next month, which to be fair, will contain a lot more crazy shit.

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