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I Put On Salmon Shorts And Boat Shoes And My Dad’s A Lawyer

Today, as a goof, I tried on a pair of salmon shorts and some boat shoes. Y’know, just for a laugh.

Well, now I can’t take them off.

I’m terrified.

Like magic, I put the outfit on and suddenly my dad was a lawyer. And now I can’t stop threatening to have my dad sue everyone when people tell me not to be a dick. Is this how the Dr. Jekyll felt? I’m becoming a monster.

We suddenly have a yacht now too? And I can’t stop bragging about it to everyone I meet? In the past hour alone I’ve asked 7 girls if they want to go to the Hamptons for the weekend and take a ride on my yacht. They all think it’s a shitty euphemism and, okay, it kind of is, but I genuinely have a yacht right now and it’s freaking me out.

I still don’t have a boating license but I keep telling people I do. I can’t stop myself. Is this hell?

People keep calling me Tristan, and the worst part is that I respond. Every. Time. My name is Tristan now. I’m losing myself. These salmon shorts and boat shoes have taken over my life, and I’m afraid I’m going to lose any semblance of who I was before I put on these god-forsaken


Where the fuck are my bros?? I wanna get shwasted with my boys! Break out that Bud Lite, man! Buds with my buds! BUDS WITH MY BUDS!

God help me.

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