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After observing and remaining silent for over 200 years, a big old Elm tree from Highbridge Park in New York City has finally opened up and begun to tell the crazy stories from its illustrious, stagnant history.

“Yeah I’ve seen some crazy shit for sure,” said the tree, which locals have nicknamed “The Big-Ass Tree Over There” since 1862. “James K. Polk used to get drunk, sit under me, and yell at Irish people all night. That dude was a dick but he made some good points.”

What’s up everybody! Have you ever been jonesin’ for a fat-ass bong rip, but haven’t a bong nearby because you’re visiting your parents upstate who don’t have any bongs? Well you’re in bong-luck! Here’s some normal everyday household items that you can totally use as functional bongs—while also absolutely enraging your dad! Bongs:

Artisans have raced the clock at one of Melbourne's most loved theatres to restore a 1920s mosaic floor that has been hidden under carpet for 50 years.

The workmen laboured up to 19 hours a day for three months to return the elegant feature, created for the Forum Theatre's opening in 1929, to its former glory.

Melbourne-born, Italian-trained mosaic artisan Fabian Scaunich says the once broken and dirty floor of 200,000 mosaic pieces will be ready for the Comedy Festival launch at the Flinders Street theatre on March 28.

Redding, California resident Jake Hapler recently had a hankering for some Hooters wings. But instead of driving to the nearest Hooters location to be served by scantily clad waitresses, Hapler opted to have his wings delivered by a college kid named Ted.

If that’s not a feminism win, then we don’t know what is! Really though, we’re somewhat unclear on the concept of feminism as it applies to Hooters. Was that a feminism win?

Today, as a goof, I tried on a pair of salmon shorts and some boat shoes. Y’know, just for a laugh.

Well, now I can’t take them off.

I’m terrified.

Like magic, I put the outfit on and suddenly my dad was a lawyer. And now I can’t stop threatening to have my dad sue everyone when people tell me not to be a dick. Is this how the Dr. Jekyll felt? I’m becoming a monster.

Tim Heidecker–comedian, musician, and half of comedy duo Tim & Eric–has been releasing a number of Trump-related protest songs over the past few months on his Bandcamp page. Today, in timing that either coincidentally or intentionally lines up well with the Comey hearing, Heidecker released his latest humorous song aimed at Trump.

Are you sick of doing the same old dangerous shit that everyone tells you not to do? Looking for new, more dangerous shit to do? Boy, do I have an unsafe activity for you.

Like everyone else who is cool and not a total loser, I have been running with scissors for my entire life. However, it’s come to my attention that running with scissors just isn’t dangerous like it used to be! With the advent of safety scissors, the threat of cutting someone open while running with scissors has decreased greatly. LAME!!

I think you should go to cool down mode for this. We’ve run our quick start course, you and me. Look, we both know the cycle we’re in. I see a Fabletics commercial with Kate Hudson stretching on a cliff or The Rock lifting 2,500 lbs in his #ironparadise on Instagram and I think with half the time and effort, I myself could be smizing solo on a hill or lifting a subcompact Chevrolet Spark in my #twocargarage. Celebs, man. #motivation #healthiswealth

Hey, look. I’m no hero, okay? I’m just a guy who is literally the exact polar opposite of a hero in every way imaginable.

A hero is a person who always tries their hardest. A hero is somebody who has the courage to stand up for what’s right, even when everybody else is telling them to sit back down. A hero is someone who treats other people with compassion and respect. I am not any of those things. Like, not at all. Not even close. I kind of suck a whole lot.

Attention, please. I have an announcement to make.

Today, due to Daylight Savings Time, the clocks have “sprung ahead,” affording me one extra hour of daylight (the hour from approximately 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.) to do with what I wish. This is a decision I do not take lightly, but after much deliberation, I have come up with a plan for what I will do with the one hour.

I am going to eat cereal in my apartment with the blinds drawn.