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A Breakup Letter To The Treadmill

I think you should go to cool down mode for this. We’ve run our quick start course, you and me. Look, we both know the cycle we’re in. I see a Fabletics commercial with Kate Hudson stretching on a cliff or The Rock lifting 2,500 lbs in his #ironparadise on Instagram and I think with half the time and effort, I myself could be smizing solo on a hill or lifting a subcompact Chevrolet Spark in my #twocargarage. Celebs, man. #motivation #healthiswealth

On top of that, 2-3 days a week, you let me walk at an incline all over you and we both know that’s just weight maintenance at best. We should be tightening together in this relationship, not maintaining. What’s the point of working out if I can’t tell everyone you’re an overall lifestyle change above all else or start pushing entrepreneur/reality icon/clothing designer/fitness guru/celebrity/human Khloe Kardashian’s TV show Revenge Body on people? I g otta walk the walk, ya know?

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some great memories together. I will never forget that hot and sweaty marathon training session a few weeks back ( ; or the time I put both the incline and speed to 10 and everyone crowded around until the gym staff told me to leave. lol good times. Seriously though, I really thought you were the one I would learn to love working out on. I even talked to my doctor about the safest positions to be in when I was with you because I thought it was for real this time.

The truth is, I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past three and a half weeks. And when it comes down to it, I see a future with sitting on my ass more. I’ve recently started watching the NBC darling This Is Us and I missed the boat on Mad Men soooo yeah, it’s time to get my binge on. It’s all about me and I need to honor me.

Lastly, know this: when I put that clippy thing on my finger, you really did have my heart rate for those 20-30 minutes. That was real and don’t you ever think otherwise. With that, I’m taking my membership back. I’m sorry it has to be this way, but I at least wanted to tell you to your tread belt. As the great Oprah Winfrey once said, “I love bread,” and it’s about that time for my afternoon baguette.

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